Keeping Up Appearances

I know I will probably be scrutinized for posting this and some of you may even be appalled and find it odd that I would share something so...negative in a post. With that being said, I think that a blog is a way for people to share their lives and viewpoints with friends and family. Most of the time we find ourselves posting about birthdays, holidays and happy memories. And then there are some postings, not as common, that share our frustrations and struggles. Rarely do we ever post about the struggles in our marriages, struggles with finances or other issues that don't necessarily "keep up our appearance". Some say because it is none of anybodies business, well to each his own right.
Jesse and I separated three days ago, but I think Jesse left the marriage, in many ways, six months after we got married. I have tried everything to make my marriage work for my kids, even losing myself in the process. I have known and had a relationship with Jesse for 10 years. Jesse is a hard person to be a relationship with. He takes a lot and gives little back. For a long time I think I have always known that this day would come eventually. I was trying to hold out until my kids were 18...Kingston is 9 months. When we married, Jesse and I had the same goals and viewpoints. Today it's like I hardly know him anymore. Or maybe he has always been this way and I have turned a blind eye to it, not wanting to accept it. Holding out hope that he would stay on the straight and narrow. Don't get me wrong, Jesse can at times be a good husband. It never lasted long, just long enough for me to get my hopes up and to think he really cared and loved me. Then it would be right back to him putting his needs first and manipulating situations anywhere he could.
After many years I finally put my foot down. I can't take the crap he deals out anymore. I tried, tried and tried to make this work for our kids, but at what point does staying in a marriage become more destructive to your kids than divorce can be? I have struggled with that question many times. I struggled with that question three days ago. A wonderful woman quoted a very smart woman and I try to keep it close to the top of my thoughts, "When you have kids, you should only get a divorce when the spouse has committed any of the three A's: Adultery, Abuse and Addiction." Jesse at some point has committed not just one, but all three. So I ask again, at what point does staying in a marriage become more destructive to your kids than divorce can be? Did I make the right choice? All I can do is do what I think is right for the time and hope that it is the right choice. I don't really like to gamble with money, with this I feel like I am gambling with my children's futures. I know it takes two to tango and I am sure I contributed to the stress in some fashion. I feel terribly sad for my kids, they are so innocent and impressionable right now. I love them so much and want to be their everything when they probably need it the most.